


Value of Life

by still_lycoris



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Manipulation, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 23:53:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16753864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: It's twelve days after Matsuda took the Eyes and he knows what he has to do ...





	Value of Life

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the hc_bingo prompt "forced to participate in illegal/hurtful activity "

Matsuda wakes up feeling sick.

He’s been feeling sick all night. Kept waking up and looking at the clock and thinking _another few hours till ..._

Light said they should do it today.

“We don’t know when the thirteen days are up, not exactly. So we’ll do it on day twelve, just to be safe.”

Matsuda tells himself that he’s not scared. It’s fine. It’s just a name. He can do that. He did that before. It was fine.

_(he’s waking up and everything hurt and he isn’t exactly sure where he is but then he hears Ide’s voice and that helps a bit because if Ide’s there, it can’t be too bad, right? And he’s trying to speak and he feels Ide touch his hand and he’s saying “You’ve been injured but you’ll be all right.” and that’s good and he wants to ask if he did it, if they did it but he can’t seem to make his brain work ...)_

None of the others meet his eyes when he walks in, except for Light. Light smiles at him, kind, reassuring and Matsuda feels a burst of gratitude. Light is there for him and that helps, at least a little bit. It can’t be too bad, not really. Light believes in him. Light thinks it’s all going to be okay. Even after ...

_(“Matsuda, listen to me. I don’t want you to kill if you don’t have to, understand?”_

_“I wouldn’t, Chief! You know that!”_

_“You can be reckless sometimes. All human life has value, Matsuda. Please remember that. Even Mello’s.”_

_“I just want to help ... ”_

_The Chief puts a hand on his shoulder and Matsuda smiles at him, happy the Chief can’t see how scared he is; it’s half his life, it’s **half his life** but he has to, doesn’t he, because he can be so useful and everyone will be so proud ...)_

“I think we should get on with it,” Aizawa says flatly. “Otherwise Matsuda will just fret all day.”

Matsuda wants to snap that it’s not _Aizawa_ who has to do this so it’s not Aizawa who needs to make the decision. But Aizawa would just snipe back and he’d win any argument because of course he would so what’s the point? And maybe it _will_ be better to just have it done and not have to think about it again.

At least, not for another twelve days.

 _(there are dead bodies everywhere and it’s a bit horrifying, even though he’s seen bodies before but it’s weirder now because he can _see_ they are dead because there are no names and numbers and everyone else has the flickering red things glittering over their heads and it’s so weird. But he ignores them and focuses, shooting the notebook straight out of a guys hand and then he’s holding it and ... and ..._)

The notebook sits in front of him, looking like a normal, boring thing. When Matsuda touches it, it doesn’t feel weird. It should, it really should but it just _doesn’t_ and he hates that, he wants it to mean what it should.

“I’ve found a criminal,” Light says, calm, quiet. “And I’ve worked out how we can make sure that it’s Matsuda who kills him, not Kira, if you don’t think his Eyes are enough for that. If Matsuda-san stipulates that he dies of a stroke instead of – ”

“For God’s sake!” Aizawa sounds so _angry_ and Matsuda hunches up like it’s his fault, because maybe it is, it feels like it might be and he’s so freaked out, he’s so freaked out, he can’t do this ...

“Do you have a better idea, Aizawa-san?” Light’s voice is crisp. “Because you haven’t offered one so far. Or would you prefer Matsuda-san to die?”

“No, of course not, I just ... this ... ”

“The Chief always valued human life so much.” Ide says and he sounds quiet. “He wouldn’t have wanted this.”

“My father,” Light says and he says it so quietly, so sadly. “isn’t here.”

_(He has the notebook in his hands, he’s holding it tightly and Mello’s telling him to bring it in because he doesn’t know, he doesn’t **know** and the Chief is whispering “Don’t do anything reckless, Matsuda.” and Matsuda nods and his hands are sweating and Mello is telling him to take off his helmet and come in, so he does and they’re looking at each other and Mello is frowning and saying “Huh ... you ... ” and he’s working out that Matsuda can’t be the new L, not if he’s standing here and he should have thought of that, why didn’t he and he can see the name, MIHAEL KEEHL and he knows the Chief wouldn’t want to but he has to, he has to, doesn’t he have to? Light told him before he left, he put his hand on Matsuda’s shoulder and said “You’ll do what’s necessary, won’t you? I know you will. I believe in you.” and he smiled and he has to do this, he has to – and he’s scribbling and Mello screams “ **No!** ” and he thinks he hears the Chief shouting too and then there’s a roar and there’s nothing but bright, bright light - _

“We all wish it didn’t have to be this way,” Light says, calm, collected. “But it is what it is. I assume none of you want Matsuda to die?”

Matsuda closes his eyes, suddenly terrified that they’ll look at each other like it wouldn’t be so bad if he did because he’s only stupid, stupid Matsuda and why did he ever think this would make a difference? Why did he ever think he could do anything that would ever make him important or useful to anybody? All he ever does is make a mess of everything ...

“Of course we don’t want him to die.” Mogi’s voice. “But that doesn’t mean this is right.”

No. The Chief would have hated it. The Chief ... the Chief.

_(When he wakes again, it isn’t so bad, though everything is sore still. Ide is still with him and he explains Mello had blown the building up before dying of a heart attack, that his body was in the morgue. He says all this without looking at Matsuda properly and Matsuda wants to say that it’s not his fault, that he did this because they had to and why is Ide mad at him but he doesn’t say any of those things and instead goes for what’s really important._

_“Is everyone else okay?”_

_“Everyone was hurt,” Ide says and now he’s really not looking at Matsuda, he’s staring at the wall. “And the Chief ... Matsuda I’m sorry but – ”_

_He stops listening. He has to. He can’t hear the words because the Chief can’t be dead, not the Chief, how can he be dead, how can he, oh God, if Matsuda had just been a tiny bit quicker, it’s all his fault – )_

“All right,” Light sounds almost angry now. “We’ve spent the last few days discussing this and I don’t see anything changing from discussing it again. I think it’s going to be best if the rest of you go and take a break while we get this done. Take a walk.”

Mogi and Ide seem glad to get away. Aizawa lingers and he looks at them both and frowns and Matsuda feels worse. What does Aizawa think Matsuda is going to do? (Aizawa _knows_ what Matsuda is going to do ... )

But eventually, he leaves and Light turns to Matsuda and smiles and puts a hand on his shoulder.

“All right,” he says softly. “It’s all right, Matsuda-san.”

“I ... I don’t know if I can do this ... ”

“Yes, you can. You don’t want to die, so you can. It’s not so hard, Matsuda. Forget about what they’ve all said. They don’t know everything. You told us yourself that you didn’t think Kira was all evil, didn’t you? So focus on that. This man is a not a good man. Perhaps he doesn’t deserve to live in a world that had someone like my father in it.”

Light’s voice trembles slightly and Matsuda reaches up to clutch at the warm hand still on his shoulder. He squeezes and Light blinks, then smiles at him again. He crouches down a little so they’re more on the same level and reaches out, pulling the notebook closer.

“Look at the picture, then write the name, Matsuda. It’s all right. You can do it. It’s just one name. Do you want me to tell you what he’s done? Will it help?”

Perhaps it will, so he nods while staring at the photograph that Light has put in front of him. There’s a pen there too, a normal fountain pen and he reaches out and takes it as Light starts to murmur in his ear, something horrible about murder and rape and if Matsuda was a better policeman, he’s sure that it wouldn’t hurt to hear about but he’s not and it does and Light’s talking about how the man got away with it and it makes him feel hot inside, hot and furious; it’s not fair, it’s not right, people _shouldn’t_ hurt others like that ...

“Just write the name,” Light whispers. “Write the name, Matsuda. Go on. You know you want to. Because you know some people don’t deserve to live.”

And before he’s thinking about it, he’s scrawling the name down, making sure to get the English letters just right, just like he did with Mello and Light gives a soft sigh in his ear, a soft, warm sigh of pleasure, only it can’t be, can it? It couldn’t be pleasure, not when Matsuda’s doing something like this ...

And the lifespan vanishes from the picture and Matsuda is shaking hard and Light says “Forty seconds.” and it’s done and Matsuda’s shaking harder, putting his head in his hands because he’s killed someone, he’s killed another person ...

“Matsuda!” Light’s arms go around him, warm and comforting and Matsuda clings because it’s easier than being on his own and Light doesn’t hate him, Light doesn’t hate him ...

“Was that so bad?” Light asks and he uncertainly shakes his head because it seems like the right answer and Light squeezes him a little tighter and Matsuda suddenly feels scared but he’s not sure what of and he knows he should pull away but instead, he clings tighter and lets Light stroke his hair.

“I need to give up the Eyes,” he mumbles into Light’s shoulder. “Kira, Kira will kill me if I don’t, kept them too long already ... ”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Light whispers it against his hair. “Maybe we can cut a deal ... ”

The way he says it is so strange and Matsuda moves back to look at his face. Light looks back at him, calm, composed, serious.

“Do you trust me, Matsuda-san? Really trust me? Do you believe in me?”

“Yes, of course!” he blurts out because of course he does, he always has and why would Light even _ask?_ “I’d, I’d do anything for you! You know that!”

And Light smiles.


End file.
